


The first case of Nepeta Leijon and Dr. Zahhak

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: All for comedic effect, Alternate Universe - Children, Detectives, Gen, God these tags make it sound strange, HSWC 2013, Mention of blood, Mention of pregnancy, Mention of urine, Mentions of Sexual Content, Meowrails, Metafiction, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-10
Updated: 2013-08-10
Packaged: 2017-12-23 01:39:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/920481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I wrote this for Main Round 2 of HSWC 2013, but my team went with another, and better one. The theme was genre blending, and I mixed Metafiction with Kid Detective. One-shot, regardless of the title. Nepeta and Equius are two fourth-graders who run a detective agency. One day, they are assigned to investigate a bunch of papers, which is the infamous Homestuck High fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The first case of Nepeta Leijon and Dr. Zahhak

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Homestuck high](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/25872) by randomnezz4eva123. 



> This work is focused around the infamous Homestuck High fic. It is recommended that you read it (at least the first two chapters, since they're the "best") before reading this.

The sun shone in through the window of Equius Zahhak’s hive. It looked as if it would be another boring Sunday afternoon for him and his moirail Nepeta. Equius was on the floor, doing push-ups while Nepeta sat on the couch, writing in her notebook. 

“What are you writing?” Equius asked. 

“I’m making notes fur our detective agency!” she replied, still focused on the notebook. 

“Remind me again, how many cases have we had?” he asked. The sarcasm in his voice was obvious. 

“Some time has to be the furst! I’m sure Sherlock Holmes had to wait before he had a case!” Nepeta said. She was just as cheerful as she had been before. Equius had mainly agreed to go along with the detective agency because otherwise Nepeta wanted to pretend she was a kitten or she would want to talk about who was in love with who. Nepeta, on the other hand wanted to have the detective agency because she loved detective stories and because Equius’ talk about hoofbeasts could get exhausting sometimes. 

“Yuck, Sherlock Holmes. Don’t remind me of those filthy human stories. Humans are almost as bad as lowbloods, if not worse” Equius added. Each time Nepeta heard something like that, she would cringe. Equius was for the most part a lovely friend, but he was a little racist and believed himself to be superior to others. She had tried telling him how disrespectful it was to say something like that, but he had never listened. He continued what he had said earlier. 

“Besides, Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were adults with proper education. We’re two fourth graders not even out of elementary school” 

“Why are you always so boring, Equius?” Nepeta asked, frowning at him. He just kept on doing his push-ups, pretending he hadn’t heard anything. 

“You’re always going on about being strong and your stupid football team and your blood color, which is _sooo_ much better than everybody else’s. Well, it’s not! All blood colors are just as good! It shouldn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl either! I also want to be on the football team!” 

“Nepeta… J-just… shut up about your stupid equality crap…” Equius began. 

“Nnnnraaaaaghhhh!” Nepeta screamed in frustration as she stormed off into the garden. Equius was left alone in the living room. He thought to himself. Maybe he had been a little harsh on her. Sure, what she had said was of no interest of him, but he should have been nicer about it. He went outside to see if she was in the garden. He couldn’t see anything, but he suddenly heard a delighted mewl as he found himself on the ground with a giggling Nepeta on top of him. She didn’t seem angry any more. He decided to say something. 

“I’m sorry about that, Nepeta. It was rude of me…” 

“No, Equius, I was rude too. I shouldn’t have gotten angry because we didn’t have the same opinion on things. What do you say about that? We respect each other’s opinions and keep on being friends?” 

“Sounds good. Now, get off my chest. I can’t breathe” 

“Are you calling me fat, Equius?” 

“N-no! Absolutely not! You look great!” 

“I was joking! But thanks anyways!” 

Nepeta smiled and crawled off him. He got up next to her and brushed the grass off from her clothes. 

“So have you got any cases for us, Ms. Leijon?” he asked, smiling. 

“Well, my dear Dr. Zahhak, no cases at the moment” 

“Dr. Zahhak? I like that” 

The rest of the day went by pretty slow, but finally, the Monday came. It was during recess that Nepeta and Equius would receive their first case. It was from Jade Harley, a girl in their class. Jade was pretty cute in Equius’ opinion, even though she was a human. She had long black hair down to her shoulders and wore glasses. Usually, she’d wear a Squiddles shirt as well. Her two front teeth stuck out a bit which gave her a bit of a cute nerdy appearance. At this point, the author realized he hadn’t described Equius and Nepeta too well. 

Nepeta was pretty tiny, but her strength made up for that. After all, she could tackle Equius without a problem. Her horns were in the shape of cat ears. She loved cats, perhaps for this reason and sometimes pretended she was one by wearing a hat shaped like a cat head and a fake tail tucked into her pants as well. She was seen as cute by most people. 

Equius on the other hand was big and strong and had horns in the shape of arrows. Well, one of his horns mysteriously broke once, so he only had one arrow-shaped horn left. He usually tried to be nice, but it usually failed. He had the belief that some blood colors were better than others, which usually led to him only being friends with the “highbloods”, except for Nepeta, who was a “midblood”. 

Jade handed two sheets of paper to Nepeta and leaned in to whisper something to the two detectives. 

“I found this in my locker. I think someone dislikes me and my friends, but it seems to target me a lot, the small parts that I’ve read. Could you wait with reading it until after school? Please? I don’t want anybody else hearing”, she whispered. 

“I purromise!” Nepeta replied. 

Jade smiled and walked away, leaving Equius and Nepeta alone. Nepeta was smiling from ear to ear. 

“We’ve got our furst case!” she exclaimed. 

“And it’s nothing more than a simple bullying case” he added. 

“We have to start somewhere, don’t we?” 

When school had ended, they went over to Equius’ hive and sat down on his couch. Nepeta began reading. 

“ _The spring fling was next week and John didn't have a date. He realy liked Rose however. He had liked her sence second grade when she bit his arm and broke his glasses and made him cry_ ”, she began. 

“Well, that seems like a strange relationship”, Equius commented. 

“Poor guy has red feelings for her and she has black for him… Not going to work. The spelling doesn’t work either”, she added before she kept reading. 

“ _He took his books out of his locker and seen Rose walking towards him. He got REALY nervous and began to sweat.‘Hi rose’ he said blankly ‘What do you want loser’ she replied coldly_ ” Nepeta looked up from the paper with a look of surprise on her face. 

“Isn’t Rose a nice girl?” she asked Equius. 

“Well, sometimes authors who write fiction such as this get the characters completely wrong because they think it fits the story better. I’m sure that if someone wrote down our adventures, they’d get us completely wrong too”, he replied. Suddenly, he had a huge moustache. 

“But of course I wouldn’t mind that. Nepeta, just read the interesting parts” As Equius said that, the moustache disappeared. 

“Okay… _‘On the weekend Rose went shopping with Jade and Ferrari to pick a dress. They got ready together at jades house. Rose was wearing a mini length lether tight dress which came up to her knees like one of those pencil skrits and it hugged her small frame tightly. It had no straps and it was held up by her **boobies.** It was bright green and it showed of her clevers. She bought knee high leather black boots that had riddles in them and were for inches high off the ground with a pointy toe. She wore her hair up in a kinda messy bun with her bangs just bellow her eyebros. She was wearing thick black eyeliner and bright red lipstick. She was also wearing a fake tan.’ _ ” 

“I didn’t understand anything you just said. And why on Alternia did you emphasize the word ‘boobies’?” 

“Equius, the writing’s not good at all! It’s pawful! And who the hell is Ferrari?” 

“A Ferrari is a human vehicle, though in context, I suppose the author means Feferi” 

“You know, let’s just read it together”, Nepeta said and placed the papers on the table in front of them. The next section read as follows: 

_“OMG u look so hot rose I would totally wanna sex you” Jade said as she smacked Rose's ass._

_“you look hot too Jade, I bet Dave will want to sex you to” Rose described_

_“Do u think so?” she blushed ”Im a virgin though”_

_“Don't worry he likes virgins” Ferrari said “Vriska told me”_

_“OMG Vriskas slept with Dave!” Jade ejaculated_

_“Yea, but he didn't like it because she wasn't a virgin” Ferrari conjured_

_“Oh ok” Jade countered_

“There seems to be a distinct lack of punctuation” Equius stated. 

“Equius, there’s nobody in our year purrverted enough to write something like this” 

That statement might not have been entirely true. Nepeta was simply too innocent to believe that people could be perverts at their age as well. 

“I’m not so sure of that. What about Eridan?” 

“He doesn’t wwrite this wway”, Nepeta answered, mocking Eridan’s voice. 

Equius was about to open his mouth and go on a rant about respecting the highbloods and so on, but he realized that it’d cause an argument and promptly shut up. Instead, they skimmed through the paper until they got to the final lines. 

_"Rose" John said seriously "I think im in love with you"_

_"OMG John" Rose declaration "I think im in lust with you too"_

_"yay" they both said_

_"OMG you guys karkat just killed himself" Gamzee proclimbed_

“That… escalated quickly”, Equius said, staring at the paper in disbelief. 

“Noooo, Karkitty!” Nepeta screamed in an overly dramatic voice. It wasn’t as funny as she had thought, so to rid themselves of the awkwardness, she flipped over to the second sheet of paper, marked “Chapter 2: Karkats incident and jades secret”. Spelling mistakes in the title couldn’t possibly be good. It got worse. 

_Everyone went to teh hospitl to see Karkat. He was in a comma._

“Did a wriggler write this?” Nepeta asked. 

“Well, it’s probably better to be in a comma than on your period”, Equius chuckled. Nepeta punched his arm. It actually hurt a bit. Even though Nepeta had a small and cute frame, she was really strong. Once, Eridan had attempted to pinch her butt while in line for lunch. Without hesitation, she turned around and punched him in the face so hard that his glasses broke and his nose started bleeding. It ended with her in detention and Eridan screaming bloody murder. It was still worth it, since she got a reputation as “adorabadass” after that. 

_To lighten the mood they decided to go to mcdonnalds and so they all went there and ordered burgers and chips and chicken nuggest for everyone to eat except for vriska who ate the napkins instead._

“Why would Vriskers eat the napkins? It makes no sense” 

“Compared to the food there, napkins are a better choice” 

Equius wasn’t very fond of fast food in general since he was somewhat of a health freak. Also, he was a vegetarian. 

_"These napkins taste like piss" Vriska snooted as she gobbled one up._

_"I used that one to wipe myself after I peed..." Jade whimpered._

_"Ok" Vriska said, munching away._

“You know, disregard what I said. Burgers would be a much better choice in this case. Bad burgers are much better than pee-soaked napkins” Equius said, obviously very shocked by the latest development. 

“I don’t get why she’d eat the napkin even though Jade peed on it? And why would someone pee in a public area? Only drunk people and wrigglers do that” Nepeta stated. 

”Can we stop talking about urine, please?” 

_When did you go to pee" Rose asked curiously_

_Jade looked down at the floor while fiddling with his black lace panties "When you all weren't looking...I..I needed to take a pregnancy test."_

_"WHAT!" everyone but Feferi exclaimed because she was too cool_

_"Dave..." Jade began "I AM PREGNANT!_

Both detectives just stared in shock at the paper. Who could possibly ever write something like this? And why did the author say that Jade fiddled with “his” black lace panties? The questions were too many. 

“Feferi is cool, but I think that’d she’d be just as surpurrised as the others if she found out one of her furriends was pregnant”, Nepeta began. 

“I have no words”, Equius continued. 

“Well, this is all we have fur now. I suggest we keep on investigating tomorrow” 

“Do you have any suspects?” 

“Well, Roxy makes a lot of spelling mistakes, but she’s too nice to do something like this” 

“So what do you say, Nepeta? Have we got a case?” 

Nepeta nodded and smiled at her friend/partner. This was going to be their first case, their study in scarlet. Therefore, it would be a good idea to quote Sherlock Holmes, the world’s greatest detective. 

“Dr. Zahhak, the game is afoot!” 


End file.
